An amazing sense of inner peace washes over me. I'm just as pensive as always but, for some reason, I don't hurt. It's a little scary. I can't remember the last time I didn't hurt.
Not like pain in the sense of a broken toe, but rather a broken soul. The kind of hurt that starts before you even recognize its impact. That constant aching feeling within a void that seemingly will never be filled. Its thirst is never quenched and its hunger never fed.
I look around at the people in this world and I wonder if they, too, have this horrible hollow hell that is ever-so-slowly swallowing their being.
Everyone looks so "normal". People go to work, pay bills, have kids, buy homes, lease Hummers, shop in malls, fine dine, attend churches, rent movies, and email family. Do they do these things as complacently as they seem to? Have we, as a nation, really settled into such a rut?
I ponder great things. I question ALL things. I wonder what it's all about....outside this "society" we've created. There is a world thriving with life. One without boundaries of society. And outside this world, there are others in the universe. I can and do sit for hours imagining what else is out there. Galaxies, worm holes, suns, planets being born, and stars dying.
We are but grain of sand. Not on a beach full of sand, or on a planet full of beaches, but even on a grander scale. We are a grain of sand in the universe! Can you wrap your brain around that? Do you ever think about it? Or are you fixated on the electric bill, the reports for work, the clothes that need picked up at the dry-cleaner and your daughter's recital?
When did you decide dreams are illusions? When did coming home from work, eating a meal and watching American Idol become a good day?
C'mon, I'm not the only one who finds this lack of adventure and loss of journey to be discerning.
I love the possibilities. I love potential. I crave answers. I want to live life without the husband, without the kids, with a job not a career, without a mortgage and without certainty. I like getting lost in the stars and dreaming of life in another galaxy. I like the excitment of never knowing what comes next.
I'm not saying the basic things like money and a home are beyond me. But I like to keep it simple. I like to save my energy for creative thinking...I like to express my thoughts and having time to ponder them is crucial.
I never want to be normal. And I don't think I have to worry too much. As long as I can remember,I've been anything but.
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If I may use a little space here to relay something I wrote about a journey taken; one not outward, but inward...
The Candle’s Revelation
As I light the candle in my hand
the flame that burns invokes a grand vision…
Small at first, a whole new universe is unveiled before my eyes, expanding into the nameless void.
Like fireflies caught in the revelry of the night, stars emerge from behind deep-black shadows and dance.
Spinning round and round, they reel and fling, then fall into their celestial places knowing that soon they will plummet.
Planets of varied hues and textures spring into view showing their brilliant colors to whoever would see them.
The sun, on it’s cosmic journey
through the deep reaches of nothing
stretches out with arms of fire
and tries to engulf the planets, but being smart, they pull back; singed, but still alive.
Like water falling upon a rock,
galaxies splash sway in every direction, pouring into and filling the empty spaces then trickling out in streams like tears.
Comets and meteors, restless as they are, continuously rove, never finding a home, destined to be nomads of the interstellar wild lands.
I see it all.
I see stars being born and I see them die.
I see individual planets and the life which they sustain.
I see nations rise and fall like the tides of the ocean.
I see planets destroyed by their peace-keeping warmongers.
I see weeping mothers caressing the dry cheeks of their dead sons.
Whispered words of war, death, and loneliness pass between muttering lips and fall on deaf ears.
I see everything that was and will be and I think to myself, “Look at what I have seen. I have made it. It is mine”.
And at that moment when the thoughts broke free, the flame sputters, spits, then dies;
and with it dies the universe in my mind.
And I notice the wax on my hands…
(End of poem)
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