IF ONLY SHE WAS ALIVE...

Today is August 20, 2209. It's been 4 years and 2 months since my mother's very untimely death and it is less than 24 hours before what would be her 58th birthday. Not a day passes that I don't wonder what really happened to her in her final hours or what thoughts were streaming through her wary mind. She was always a torn woman; caught between good and evil, right and wrong, positive and negative.

As an apple doesn't fall far from its tree, I find myself in the same predicament daily. Some people have a way of avoiding tragedy and not questioning it while I, on the other hand, will seek it out just to investigate it and experience both sides.

Strangely enough, since I found GOD, am at peace with her passing. I know she is in heaven and that the Lord had a plan for her the whole time. Who am I to ever doubt our creator? What normally is an overwhelmingly sad time, is now somewhat manageable. I know she is not of this physical planet full of pain and suffering, struggle and turmoil, or temptation and idols. She is right where we all end up...as I believe it.

It was so bittersweet....her birthday. At least that's been the case since her passing. See, my family, God bless them, decided to bury her on her birthday. I had found that to be, well, horrible. But since my personal relationship with Christ has been established I realize that her going back to dust on that date is nothing short of life's circle poetically punctuated. If you ever knew Aline Marie, you'd expect nothing less.

I love you mom....Happy Birthday and Happy re-birthday!

So, What IS "Normal", Anyway?

So, I've been soul-searching to discover my "purpose" ever since I can remember. I mean at like six years old I was imagining what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was a product of television for sure. Brady Bunch, My Three Sons, Bewitched, The Donna Reed Show, Happy Days, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Welcome Back Kotter, Maude, Dallas, Falcon Crest....I had this "illusion" that even the worst of problems could be solved swiftly and all relationships were mend able within thirty minutes.

Living within this false reality made true reality even harder to comprehend. I mean all the information filtering in from T.V. land was quite frankly false data. So, when real life played out differently it felt "abnormal".

But "normal" is a term that has changed so tremendously it is almost unrecognizable. I mean split up families, a plethora of addictions, physical abuse, unemployment, psych drugs, methadone clinics, a defunct legal system, a sad medical program, nation-wide hunger, poverty are all the "norm". It's hard to be shocked by anything anymore.

Parents complain about music, video games, porn, and the Internet. Our society is so pumped up to "run" with technology. We put out all this information and data in obscene quantities and we know not what we really are doing. Do we all really have the "right" to all information? I mean we all should have the right to research and discover truths but just because some hillbilly puts a meth recipe on line, or racial hate opinions into young minds do we all have the right to it?

What kind of society has to have an actual "law" written down saying not to murder? Isn't that a no-brainer? Isn't it "normal" to want EVERYONE to be happy and fulfilled? Is it so abnormal that I want my peace and internal satisfaction to be no easier nor harder to achiever than my neighbor?

Has the "abnormal" torture we rarely could even imagine in our most horrible nightmares become the everyday? Am I just becoming saddened to the point of paralysis? Normal is perception just like everything in this life. I used to know the world was good, people were kind, everyone loved to make others smile and I could have and do anything I want in this world. I didn't "think" these things were true; I KNEW they were.

So, what's changed? When did I lose focus of the mushroom and just see the manure? When did I start to assume "the other shoe" always drops? When did it become so easy to say "life sucks"?

I believe in the power of positive energy and the healing power we all have. But, I've lost sight of my own. I lost sight of it a long time ago, but today is when I realized it. Hmmmm...now what? Where do I go from here?

NEVER NORMAL

An amazing sense of inner peace washes over me. I'm just as pensive as always but, for some reason, I don't hurt. It's a little scary. I can't remember the last time I didn't hurt.

Not like pain in the sense of a broken toe, but rather a broken soul. The kind of hurt that starts before you even recognize its impact. That constant aching feeling within a void that seemingly will never be filled. Its thirst is never quenched and its hunger never fed.

I look around at the people in this world and I wonder if they, too, have this horrible hollow hell that is ever-so-slowly swallowing their being.

Everyone looks so "normal". People go to work, pay bills, have kids, buy homes, lease Hummers, shop in malls, fine dine, attend churches, rent movies, and email family. Do they do these things as complacently as they seem to? Have we, as a nation, really settled into such a rut?

I ponder great things. I question ALL things. I wonder what it's all about....outside this "society" we've created. There is a world thriving with life. One without boundaries of society. And outside this world, there are others in the universe. I can and do sit for hours imagining what else is out there. Galaxies, worm holes, suns, planets being born, and stars dying.

We are but grain of sand. Not on a beach full of sand, or on a planet full of beaches, but even on a grander scale. We are a grain of sand in the universe! Can you wrap your brain around that? Do you ever think about it? Or are you fixated on the electric bill, the reports for work, the clothes that need picked up at the dry-cleaner and your daughter's recital?

When did you decide dreams are illusions? When did coming home from work, eating a meal and watching American Idol become a good day?

C'mon, I'm not the only one who finds this lack of adventure and loss of journey to be discerning.

I love the possibilities. I love potential. I crave answers. I want to live life without the husband, without the kids, with a job not a career, without a mortgage and without certainty. I like getting lost in the stars and dreaming of life in another galaxy. I like the excitment of never knowing what comes next.

I'm not saying the basic things like money and a home are beyond me. But I like to keep it simple. I like to save my energy for creative thinking...I like to express my thoughts and having time to ponder them is crucial.

I never want to be normal. And I don't think I have to worry too much. As long as I can remember,I've been anything but.

WE ARE ON MARS, PEOPLE!!!

This has got to be one of the coolest things I've been priveledged to be alive during. Check this out! PeoplePC - News

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

TODAY IS THE PERFECT DAY TO SIMPLY APPRECIATE

FOR THE RECORD

So, let me quantify my last few entries:

I believe I will have what many of us want:

and that's the Act Of Love for always and forever with the the only soul mate I've ever infinitely known.

Of course, as of this moment I'm unaware if I do indeed already know who that is so I might as well say....

...I know it will become but i know not with whom nor when. But I am no longer even slightly in doubt.

With such clarity, my friendships will flourish and my heart will be at peace. Everything will be revealed in it's own time.

OMG! COINCIDENCE OR HOPE?

So check this out.....

I subscribe to www.theuniverse@tut.com which is a very cool website. It sends me "Notes from The Universe" daily. Now if you've read my previous blog entry on May 20th, you know that I said, and quote: "...when i looked into his eyes the first time and every single time since, without fail, i Feel like i am looking into the eyes of the only soul I've ever loved through life after life after life."

Okay, I know you may be thinking "corny". That's not all false...lol. However this was my message from "The Universe" today:

"You know that dreamy look of deep, soulful love you've sometimes seen in the eyes of another as they gazed into your own?

Expect a lot more of it

Whooooooooooooohoooooooooo!!
The Universe"

Now ain't that something! Huh, and I thought no one was listening..Heehee.