WHATS GOING ON?

I wrote this at 1:27 a.m. on May 20th.....

Okay, so I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep. Racing thoughts were streaming in my mind like a slide show. The one though that kept repeating over and over again was "Tommy". Now, he and I just got "reunited" so to speak. I asked Deb to have him call me and he did. I was surprised to say the least.

See, the first time my eyes met his, I felt an electricity through my entire soul that was unlike any other experience I've ever had. I was involved with someone when I first met Tommy. But there was and still is no comparison. It's not that the "someone"is insufficient, by any means. It's more like Tommy is eternal.

Weird.This I know. I cannot believe the impact and I'm experiencing its wonder and terror simultaneously. I am 38 years old. I have life experience that far exceeds my years. I have loved like a Goddess and I have known both the glory and defeat that love has to offer.

Tommy is 22 years young. I know little of his life's experiences. I know he has loved.....Amanda (I think that's her name). I hate to speculate on Tommy's potential for sincere emotional availability, but it's simply my nature.

It seems like Tommy likes most people. He is easy going and laid back. I can't remember even one time when he wasn't smiling or maintaining a grin. He is simple and sweet. His intelligence is remarkable. He has a sense of humor that could tickle even the most ferocious of Kings and a heart that is truly gold.

He puts everything he's got into his friendships. He's straight up and you know where you stand with him....if you're a friend.

He and I are more than that. I, obviously, am enchanted by him in a most curiously intense manner. However, I cannot tell how he feels for me. It seems like we're friends with sex. That's not what I want but for now, I think that's where he's at. It would be insane to prompt such questions to him at such an early stage in our "relationship", whatever that may be.

But here i am, unable to sleep, sweating palms, my heart racing as fast as my thoughts. The only thing I can blame this on is "INSPIRATION". When I say "I love Tommy" what I'm really saying is: "I love how I feel when we're together".

I've been so very, very dead inside for so very, very long. I indeed have no joy. My dog is the only thing that I can seem to care about and feel for. I do love my friends and family, but not enough to want to stay alive in this twisted thing called "life". That is...until Tommy.

I wish I knew why him and what it is. He's good looking, but not the "best" looking guy I've dated. He's a good lover....again not my "best". He is easy to be around, polite, gentle and considerate. But, those things are fabulous and all, but I don't feel inspired by the others who have had those qualities.

This attraction is not physical....well, not totally. It's impossible for the attraction to be emotional this early in the game. It most certainly isn't intellectual. But I swear to God, that when I looked into his eyes for the first time and every single time since, without fail, I feel like I am looking into he eyes of the only soul I've ever loved through life after life after life.

It's like electricity or chemistry. I feel like I've been reconnected with everything I thought had lost forever.

Exciting shit, eh? However, there is another side to this. What if Tommy never feels like I do.....which, is in my opinion, probable. What if it's all just fun and games for him? What if he says things he doesn't mean? What if I hear what I want and tune out the rest? Am I setting myself up to be hurt?

I can go on and on with a hundred similar questions. The only thing that will reveal the answers is TIME. And being the extremist that I am, time is absolutely no friend. You would think that I would enjoy the slow seduction of evoking emotion on a gradient. But, nah.....I want a balls-to-the-wall romance that rivals the splendor and tragedy of Romeo and Juliet.

I'm hungry for it again. Just when I had given up on the idea of a soul mate....in walks Tommy again. And he has promised nothing! I mean not even a glimmer of my intensity or emotional availability.

The one thing I know for sure....I will never break that boy's heart. I won't lie to him, because I can't. I won't betray him because that would really just be betraying myself. I will adore every fiber of his being. I already do. It doesn't matter why.

Now, do I tell him these feelings? Or do I simply just show them through my actions? I think that is the better approach. The true benefit isn't hearing his response but it's in his happiness and fulfillment. If I can be part of that experience then it's worth every sleepless moment.